I want.

As selfish a statement as I can formulate. As focused a purpose as I can work toward. As deep a consideration as I can imagine. As confusing a sentiment as I can feel.

I want. I want, I want, I want, I want, want, want, want!

"I want..." I say and then my mouth goes dry and my head clears of all information or ideas. I want...everything, nothing, bigness, littleness, dark, light, far, near, love, hate, joy, grief, hope, despair, courage, fear...I want it all. I want it all. I want to know. I want to know why and how and when and where, and oh Lord God of my fathers I want to know You. But I don't know anything really. I only know that I want to know.

It occurs to me that food isn't as delectible as it should be, that sleep isn't as restful as it should be, that time ticks torturously by, that the sun is unbearably intense, that the mountains opress me, entrapping, holding me in, that color isn't as vibrant as it should be, that the most elaborate fractal isn't as infinite as it should be. It occurs to me that sixteen wasn't sweet enough, that twenty won't satisfy me either, or thirty or fourty, or eighty. It occurs to me that the creaking of the rusty, dusty gears in my head are louder than my constructive thoughts. It occurs to me that when I open my eyes after napping in the sun, everything looks gray-blue instead of gold and green. It occurs to me that everything is wrong. It occcurs to me.

Do you ever wonder if Jesus will ever come back? I do. When I'm feeling especially selfish, or tired, or disgusted, or hopeless. Or when the grainy sand of this endless desert they call history seems to stretch further and dryer than I can bear. So I look up and I know that my creator watches and holds and breathes with me: in, out. I know that He sighs with me and creation. And it occurs to me that the time I spend here, that the tears I cry here, that the desire I hold in my being here, unfulfilled will be worth it if His glory is served. If His purpose is served.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Not to worry--He'll come. And then I'll know. And then every "I want" will be His to fulfill.